BeforePlay Discussion
Many (most!?) people skip the conversation before sex entirely. Not because they don't care, but because they never had a framework that felt natural, human, and actually sexy… and SAFE… to use.
The BeforePlay Discussion is a consent and desire negotiation protocol, distilled into a template you can use tonight. It helps you:
- Slow down (clothes on, eyes open)
- Agree on the game before it starts, and…
- Make ground rules explicit
It covers what you want, what you don't want, what you're curious about, and what your body needs to feel safe enough to open — with examples to make it real (whether it's your first time getting naked together or your first threesome).
It's the first piece of the Wilder Intimacy framework, and it's my gift to you. Please share BeforePlay.love with your friends and practice it with your partners; the world is a safer and sexier place when we're all more empowered!
If you have stories to tell or questions to ask about this guide, please send us a note at the website above; I'll feature (and answer) the most popular questions on the Permission Granted podcast!
Quickstart
An abbreviated BeforePlay Discussion in 10 minutes or less for a simple, uncomplicated start:
- Choose the most important 3–5 sections for a first conversation
- Each partner shares answers
- You can stop at any time and continue later
These questions prevent more heartbreak than almost anything else, so I recommend them as the minimum informed discussion. Remember you don't need perfect answers: "I don't know yet" is a valid response.
- What 'meaning' do you give to us being physically intimate?
- What is your relationship status? Are you sleeping with anyone else currently?
- Do you have boundaries or concerns you want me to know?
- Sexual health status: last test date & recent exposures?
- What protection methods will we use?
Afterglow Questions
- What were your highlights / favorite things?
- What didn't work or you wish had been different?
- What are you grateful for?
Lineage
The roots of BeforePlay™ were inspired by the Safer Sex Conversation by Laurie Handlers. Her RBDSMTA template offered a clear, accessible way to talk about relationship status, boundaries, desires, sexual health, meaning, trauma, and aftercare.
I have adapted, expanded, and reorganized a structure to fit the needs of myself and my clients (and included examples) for:
- Modern dating
- Trauma-aware consent
- Physical sobriety and emotional readiness
- Ethical non-monogamy
- Real-world complexity
- Integration and reflection
How to Use this Guide
Before diving into the questions, a few important tips:
- You do not need to answer every question. Choose what's relevant now.
- Timing matters. These conversations go best before arousal, not in the heat of the moment.
- They can be done via text or after a kiss before the clothes come off!
- Invitation: "Would you be open to having a BeforePlay Conversation about what would feel good before we tear each other's clothes off?"
- This is collaborative, not performative. You don't have to have all the answers. The goal is to be real.
- This is a living, breathing, ongoing conversation. You can revisit and revise any part of this at any time.
Foundations of Ethical Consent
The FRIES Model of Consent
- Freely Given: Consent is a voluntary, conscious choice made without pressure, coercion, manipulation, or under the influence of drugs/alcohol.
- Reversible: Anyone can change their mind at any time, even if they have previously agreed to the activity.
- Informed: All parties must know exactly what they are consenting to.
- *Enthusiastic: Consent should be active and enthusiastic*
- Specific: Agreeing to one act (e.g., kissing) does not mean consent for a different act (e.g., intercourse).
*Real Life Application
The Spectrum of Consent and Wheel of Consent acknowledge that it can be challenging to be 'enthusiastic' about something new without knowing if you'll really be into it when it actually happens.
YES to NO: the Spectrum of Consent
"Share the Load" Podcast
Uncomfortable = discuss · Unsafe = NO
The Wilder Intimacy Framework
A full BeforePlay discussion explores this nuance, making it safer to consider exploring more on the LEFT side of the diagram:
- What might it feel like to me to TRY it… and know my partner will stop right away if I'm not into it?
- 'What do I really want… for myself?'
- 'What do I desire to give, for them?'
- What do I want to give myself PERMISSION to try (or NOT do)?
A yes only means something when no is equally accessible.
A yes can become a no at any time.
A no cannot become a yes in the same container.
Save something for the next date; it's better to wish for more rather than live with consent regret.
Healthy Responses to "No" or "Not Yet"
That's the foundation. Now the framework:
Meaning
Physical intimacy and sex means different things to different people. Misalignment here causes more harm than almost anything else, so be sure to fully explore this to ensure you're on the same page, and revisit this frequently.
- What does us having sex mean to you?
- Are there expectations attached?
- Is this casual, romantic, sacred, playful, or something else?
- Consummation on our honeymoon!
- Sex is a spiritual act for me, so this is consummation of our exclusive (and hopefully lifelong) relationship
- I only sleep with one romantic person at a time. If we're having sex, to me it means we are 'together' and exclusive
- Meaningful, connective, caring, without commitment or exclusivity
- Casual friends with benefits, just ethical adult play. Friends always, lovers sometimes
- No strings fun, without commitment or anything ongoing
Relationships & Context
Clear context prevents unspoken assumptions and hidden harm.
- What is your current relationship status?
- Is there anyone else who believes they are in a relationship with you?
- If you have other partners, do they know we are having this conversation, and what agreements already exist?
- I am single and celibate, with no current partners.
- I am separated but not legally divorced yet, and not seeing anyone else.
- I am single and have a friend with occasional benefits; they know I'm seeing you.
- I am single and in the early stages of casually seeing several people, and not sleeping with anyone else. I'd like to be exclusive with you and get off the dating apps/stop seeing them.
- I am married and romantically monogamous; we sometimes swing together.
- I am in an open relationship and we date separately.
- I am a solo ENM hinge with two non-hierarchical partners.
- I practice relationship anarchy.
Boundaries
Boundaries protect connection and make the current playing field explicit. They don't limit fun; they tell us how far out we can play.
- What is a hard no, or a "not yet"?
- Are there desires or preferences around confidentiality, photos, or videos?
- Are there words, dynamics, or pacing considerations that matter?
- I'm open to cuddling and kissing, but that's it.
- I want exclusivity before becoming sexual.
- I prefer a slow warm-up and lots of making out; please don't go straight to my genitals.
- Oral and penetrative sex are okay with condoms.
- Please do not _______.
- I do not date or sleep with monogamous people.
- Oral and penetrative sex are okay, but we do not do sleepovers.
- I'd like to meet your primary partner before you and I play together.
- We swing, and only play alone. Please text us both.
- I'm poly and don't engage with hierarchical folx.
- I only submit to/Dominate my primary partner; we do not play with power dynamics with others.
- I'm still not 'out' as ENM so please keep our connection private except with your partners.
Desires
Desires are about openness and curiosity, not entitlement. What would you genuinely like to experience?
- What would feel nourishing or exciting?
- What are you curious about experimenting with, even if you're unsure if you'll actually like it?
- I'd love to take time giving and receiving massages and make out in the hot tub.
- Dinner, movie, make-out, and sex!
- I'd love for you to go down on me for a long time, then hold me while I fall asleep in your arms.
- I want to explore a long-held fantasy.
- I'm dreaming of a slow, romantic consummation.
- Please pull my hair and say my name a lot.
- We're looking for a third to join us occasionally.
- We are romantically monogamous and sexually open. I am looking for a play partner to explore kink and sensual play.
- I am polyamorous, married, and looking for a girlfriend for me.
- I'd like to take some photos/videos for my partner to enjoy; how do you feel about that?
Sane & Sober
This section is about capacity and care, not judgment. My recommended 'best practice' for all first-time discussions AND encounters:
- Emotionally sober (aka sane): able to choose clearly from a healthy place, not from heartbreak or loneliness
- Physically sober: not impeded by alcohol, drugs, or horny brain chemicals
- Are you emotionally sober and able to choose from a healthy place?
- Are you physically sober enough to communicate clearly so we can move forward ethically?
- I'm newly out of a breakup and need time before sexual intimacy.
- I like to loosen up with a cocktail before we get naked, but my limit is two drinks.
- I'd like to have this conversation with you and set the groundwork, then smoke a joint and get naked together.
- I'm curious about psychedelic sexuality, but only in very established relationships.
I am / they are drunk or high
One of us is heartbroken
Sexual Health & Risk Reduction
This section is about capacity and care, not judgment. My recommended 'best practice' for all first-time discussions AND encounters:
- SCIENCE verified: get a full STI (sexually transmitted infections) panel before getting naked with someone new and ask them to do the same.
- Better yet, go on a date to get tested together!
- Discuss contraception for reducing pregnancy risk.
- When was your last STI panel, and what were you tested for?
- Any additional exposures since then?
- What safer-sex practices will we use?
- HPV vaccination status / PrEP?
- I'm not on birth control and condoms are required.
- I've had a vasectomy / I'm fertile & ovulating right now.
- I was tested for _____ three weeks ago, and results were clear. I've had ___ additional exposures since that time.
- I had a LEEP procedure after testing positive for HPV. My last two tests were clear.
- I'm HSV+ and am taking (or not using) suppression medication. My last outbreak was ____. I always communicate to my partner(s) if I feel a cold sore coming on.
- I prefer to use myLAB Box / Lorals barrier panties and gloves.
- I'm HIV+ and undetectable (U=U).
Safewords & Trauma-Aware Play
Everyone deserves a clear way to pause, adjust, or stop: consent is always fully reversible, and it's an act of deep care to check in about potential triggers.
Safewords and Stoplights aren't just for BDSM: they're for any situation where bodies and emotions are changing in real time.
You do not need to disclose abuse history here: your confidentiality belongs to you. And if you need something specific, this section helps open that discussion gently.
- Do you have any trauma history or specific triggers that might impact our play today or you want to share with me?
- How do you want to communicate if something isn't working?
- Do you prefer plain language or a stoplight system?
- What kind of verbal check-ins do you want along the way?
- Please no alcohol on your breath, that's a trigger for me.
- NO hand on my throat or hair pulling.
- I want verbal consent before penetration.
- I communicate proactively with 'Yes.'
- I use plain language like "slow down" or "pause" or "stop."
Fears & Frequency
Naming fears and logistics to reduce pressure.
- Do you have anything you're nervous to bring up but will feel a lot better if you say in advance?
- Anything you'd like me to know so I can be a better partner for you?
- Assuming everything goes well, how often do you ideally want to repeat this?
- I sometimes experience performance anxiety, and my erection may come and go. I'm still into you.
- I don't usually orgasm when I'm with someone brand new, but I'm excited for our bodies to meet.
- I'm on my period and have a menstrual cup in, so I'd like to keep my underwear on tonight (or yes please penetration if you're into it, let's get some waterproof blankets on the bed!).
- I keep all my body hair, and wanted to let you know that in advance.
- I haven't been naked with anyone new in a long time and am a little nervous.
- This is my first time trying ____, let's do lots of check-ins.
- I need a vibrator to orgasm.
- I sometimes squirt; do you have a waterproof mattress cover/blankets or should I bring my own?
- I've never had a threesome before and am not sure how it will feel once we get started, so let's go slow.
- Weekly is ideal for me.
- I am happy with an ongoing play partnership, but I'm usually only available about 1x/month.
Afterglow & Integration
Intimacy does not end when sex ends, and needs and desires matter here too.
- What helps you feel grounded and cared for after sex?
- Any special rituals, needs, or desires?
- When will we follow-up or debrief? (Ideally, immediately afterward and again 24–48 hours later)
- Sleepover and cuddling.
- Ice cream and conversation.
- Dinner, a movie, and a next-day check-in.
- Space afterward, with a later debrief.
- Water, chocolate, weighted blanket, and snuggles.
Recommended right away or within 48 hours:
- What were your highlights / favorite things?
- What didn't work or you wish had been different?
- Is there anything you'd like to have more of next time?
- What are you grateful for?
After debriefing with primary partner(s): Any changes to anything we discussed before?
Kristin believes…
- You're not broken, you're becoming
- You can always get your mojo back
- Sex gets to be FUN: it's how we play as adults
- Communication is lubrication: talking about sex can be fun instead of scary
- There is no upper limit to pleasure
- Sex is natural, but lovemaking is an art: no one is born knowing how to be a good lover; it's worth it to ask for help & learn new skills
- The more nourished & fulfilled you are erotically, the more successful you are in other areas of life
- Eros is LIFE FORCE energy
- Sex is not just something you do; it's a place you go & experience you co-create
- Sex can be the most healing, transformative, freeing, and joyous part of your relationship
- There is wisdom in the middle path: neither being ashamed of nor growing addicted to your desires
- Everyone has experienced trauma. Healing is always possible
- Pleasure is your birthright
